Bad Days...Sometimes Weeks

Hi again,

It has been awhile since I wrote. I have had so many thoughts swirling around in my head, that I have been paralyzed as to what to put down on paper. I have tons of half written thoughts. I’ve tried to write this post at least 12 times by now. So, I thought I’d just jump in.

My medical leave is coming to an end. I start work tomorrow. I’m scared. I’m anxious. I’m terrified. I’m trying to remind myself that I was great at my job before and clients love me, and I’ll still be great at my job and clients will continue to love me. These last two weeks have been anxiety filled, as the end to my leave became closer and with elections just around the corner, I felt crushed with thoughts.

It has been cold and rainy. Going to the gym in the dark has proven to be difficult. While I have not missed a day of exercise and I have been flexible according to timing depending on circumstances, I still struggle with the thoughts of feeling like I cannot maintain a routine. These thoughts are quickly replaced by thoughts that I am reversing all the progress I have made in the last two months, which are then replaced by thoughts that I am going to be in that same dark place of utter despair and hopelessness. I am aware that these notions are cognitive distortions full of emotional reasoning, magnification, and filtered thinking. I’m afraid I’m slipping.

The more anxious I get, the more I stress about food. I feel out of control and crazy. All of the techniques I have learned for handling automatic thoughts and identifying emotions caused by cognitive distortions seem to go out the door when it comes to food and my body. All of a sudden I have other people’s voices and comments about my body.

For the last three months I have done 1 hour of cardio and 30 mins of weightlifting, without fail, 5-6 times a week. I have balanced my meals to contain enough protein and fiber. I’ve meditated before sleep and slept at least 7 hours a night. I have lost zero pounds. I weigh the same as I have always weighed, and a majority of it has to do with PCOS and insulin resistance. The harder I work the slower my metabolism becomes. And it really is disheartening. Thoughts keep circling in my head like “why do you even bother going to the gym if you don’t lose weight”—something that was said to me when I was asked how much weight I had lost. I have so much trouble accepting my body and my body weight. I know this type of thinking fails to recognize that last week I benched a double at 130 pounds, squatted a double at 190 pounds, and deadlifted a double at 235 pounds, all with somewhat what relative ease. Clearly there has been major changes to my body and mind in the last 3 months. Still I cannot shake my weight and the feeling that something is utterly wrong with my body.

Some weeks are just tough. I’m telling myself that next week will be hard, but I will get through it. I have work, there are the elections, and my routine might get messed up due to curfews, but I will get through it—hopefully. The difference between my thinking now and three months ago is that—this is temporary. There is always a new day, or a new week, and I will feel better—and you will too!

I’m always here to talk if you need me! Love you!

Stay Golden,

Swarnali