Waiting for Failure Has Become My Comfort Zone

I have lost sight of who I am—as in what are my good qualities, why should I be loved, what value do I add in this world, what drives me, etc. For so many years I defined myself as somebody’s person. Drs. D&J’s daughter. Shoy’s sister. David’s wife. All my adult life I defined myself as someone’s wife—and when I lost that title, I lost myself.

Fear of failure has always driven me—forced me to strive to do better. I constantly pushed myself. This fear drove me through graduate school. I fought hard for my PhD. I gave up a huge part of me to earn it. At times I wonder if it was even worth it.  It has been exactly two years since I packed my bags and walked out of my (ex) husband’s apartment. For the last two years, fear has crippled me—to the point that failure has been what I am expecting. COVID has trapped me in a head full of fears. Fear of losing people I love, fear of abandonment, fear of losing my job, fear of failing at my job, fear of not making a difference, fear of being a burden to those around me, fear of losing my mind, fear that I am not enough.

Right before COVID hit, I met someone very special—during a time I didn’t trust anyone. He scaled all the walls that I had put up. He caught glimpses of the Swarnali I used to be and reminded me every day of who that person was. COVID hit, and we ended up quarantining together. I had a person again, and a person to define myself by. This time my relationship was driven by self-validating fears. I did all I could to make myself wanted and needed in this relationship, even though I crossed my own limits. I became more and more psychologically dependent on him. Three weeks ago, I called off the relationship for the fear that once we each had the time to self-reflect, he would no longer want me.

Now I realize that the person I really have to break up with is me—the weak, scared, crippled person that occupies my mind and body. I love him with all my heart, but I have to fix this relationship with myself before looking at my relationship with him and giving us a fair shot at real happiness. I hope I can have the strength to see this through. Begging him to come back to me and keep living with imposter inside of me is far too easy.

I just visited my sister for the first time since my divorce. She has built her life in a way that makes her incredibly happy. She has surrounded herself with amazing, beautiful, strong people that support her. She pushes herself outside her comfort zone. Each day she strives to learn more. She’s absolutely beautiful and confident. She is a leader at her work place. She has it all and together.

I asked her where she got her fearlessness and confidence from, because God knows I need some. Her answer really hit me hard, “YOU.” 

Ahh! I need to do better. I have to change something drastic to get me out of this funk. She was right, my comfort zone for the last two years has been this space of fear and fear of failing. And that really is not a good place or anyway to live. If someone told me my life would be exactly like this 10 years from now…holy shit that is a bleak outlook, I would be very upset.

A month ago—I was having a rough time as usual (lol), and at the time my powerlifting coach said this, I was super angry. “What kind of powerlifter approaches the bar thinking they have already failed? None of the big guys get to the bar and say this is ‘too heavy’. Stand up and lift like you’ve already lifted the damn bar”. Ok harsh…but that sums up all my problems and gives a solution all at once.

And that’s what I’m going to do from now on. Take on new challenges, start my new job, make new friends, engage in things I like doing. Maybe actually talk in a TikTok video. Start my make-up business again. Go shopping. Do things that I have always wanted to do, but haven’t because of some weird hang up. Do things for myself. Love and honor myself.

Anyway, all that’s been on my mind. This is me snapping out of the last two years. Also—break ups are the worst. I guess that is why I married my first real boyfriend. Look how that turned out. I’ll live. I do not understand how single people live; I’m about to find out…

Byes for now,

Swarnali