Ugly, Fat, Heavy, Weak…

So…I’m having one of those days. I look at my face…it’s puffy. It looks swollen, like I’ve eaten too many of my mother’s sweets. Once my nutritionist said, “fat” isn’t a feeling. Liessss. It totally is. Today I feel ugly, ungainly, heavy, awkward. I changed my outfit 6 times this morning, and I couldn’t stand to look at myself in any of the outfits.

If you look through my phone, I have 1000s of selfies. I take pictures so that I can objectively look at myself. By taking pictures I can distance myself for my body and feelings. Logically, I know I can’t look any different than I did yesterday. Mentally, I’m having a hard time accepting that. I’m terrified that I’m going to gain the few pounds I lost this year. I’m terrified the little leaning out I saw, has disappeared. I’m terrified that I’m going to continue to gain weight and lose control.

So what changed?

Lack of sleep last night due to job anxiety?

My uncle mentioned that my face looked like I was eating a lot, and that I’ll keep gaining weight if I stay with my mom (objectively untrue, I’ve lost 5 pounds in the last month)

I found out that I actually weigh more than my father (who isn’t a small man).

This morning I was unable to bench what I was “supposed to”.

I keep being reminded that my body doesn’t lose weight like others’ do.

The whole day I was irritable and easily angered. At least I was aware of that. I’m not looking for validation, I don’t want people to tell me I look okay, because that won’t change the way I feel. So I did something relaxing—my make up. But I’m still wondering, what does everyone else do? Because can’t imagine that I’m alone in this. What do you do when you feel ugly? How do you fix it?

Please let me know! @goldengirl27708

Left to Right… Me today, Feb 2020, Feb 2019, Feb 2018, Feb 2017, Feb 2016.