Normal human emotion? or mental illness?
Hello my loves,
I have been away for quite some time. Mostly because I have a lot of thoughts racing in my mind, and I can’t seem to untangle them. Finally, I have a few moments of clarity where I’m able to put some thoughts down. To be honest, I slumped into a severe depression during the last two months of 2020. For me depression is the absolute paralysis of the mind and believing the sun will not come up tomorrow. I’m filled with despair, hopelessness, and helplessness. The fear of the uncertain future is debilitating. The way I view myself completely changes while I fall deeper and deeper into a hole and it is very difficult to climb out.
A lot of people have asked me if depression is just an extended period of sadness. Sadness is a normal human emotion that is a reaction to events in our life that cause emotional upset or pain. Sadness fades over time. Depression, however, is not an emotion but a mental illness. Depression is more than just sadness, so thinking happy thoughts and staying positive won’t work, nor is it a helpful thing to hear. Depression is much more long-term, and your emotions pervades every aspect of life. The way you relate to yourself and others complete change. Along with persistent feelings of sadness, symptoms of depression can include:
irritability
fatigue
changes in sleeping or eating patterns
difficulty concentrating
loss of interest and enthusiasm for things which used to provide pleasure
feelings of deep, unwarranted guilt
physical symptoms, such as headaches or body aches that do not have a specific cause
feelings of worthlessness
constant thoughts about death
suicidal thoughts or actions
Suicidal thoughts are a definite sign of depression that cannot go ignored. Please seek help from a professional if these are occurring or reach out to someone you trust. As you can see depression and sadness are not the same.
My depressive cycles last about two months. During that time, having a routine really helps me. Especially one where I am held accountable. I missed multiple days of cardio, but I consistently worked out with my personal trainer 3 days a week. Having a consistent sleep schedule helps. When I can’t sleep, I use natural supplements like Melatonin or chamomile tea.
My last cycle was triggered by some incidents in the workplace that resulted in the uncertainty of employment. For two weeks, I was not sure if my employers would let me come back to work even when I was ready and able. I was filled with insecurity, instability helplessness, and loss of control with respect to the future of my job. This feeling pervaded in all areas of my life. I was insecure in my relationships. I felt out of control and helpless when it came to my body and mind. I tried to control what I could by applying to new jobs, but even that was met with rejections. My future was insecure, which triggered debilitating fear, fatigue, and a loss of interest in life. All of this was further fueled by the helpless I felt when my grandmother became ill. I messaged my friends less and less. The best friend I used to text every day, became a once every 10 days scripted exchange:
“Hey, how are you doing?”
“Ok. How are you”
“Tired”
I was afraid that I would be a burden. If I’m sick of feeling this way, then how must my friends feel? I felt like I was standing in the way of my family’s happiness since they were constantly worried about me.
So yes, sadness is a part of depression, but depression is not sadness. Thinking happy thoughts won’t bring you out of it. Cognitive behavioral therapy, exercise, and sleep were the things I kept up with to help me through this phase. I came out of it when my sister gave me her ukulele and I watched Mulan 3x because I had to watch it again with my best friend. Since I have been through so many of these cycles, knowing that I have come out of it each time also helped me move forward.
If any of these thoughts resonate with you, please reach out to me on IG @goldengirl27708 and please seek help. We don’t have to feel this way. There is a way out and way forward. I’m here to listen and help find you resources. Sadness will fade, but something needs to be done to help depression.
That’s all for tonight my loves,
Stay Golden,
Swarnali
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist, nor do I have a degree in Psychology. All of these are from my own experiences and research.